Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Why do I ?

Why do I? 
Put up with bullshit, lies, being yelled at, cussed at. I must have something stamped on my forehead, I know I must. 

Why do I not leave you ask? 
very simple, where would I go with 15 parrots and 2 dogs, on a fixed income that I could afford on my own? that is the question to do or not to do. and since I can't afford to do it then I am stuck right where I am. I can not hold a job due to the fact that I do not function well in and under stress it keeps my bipolar so far out there that I have real issues just trying to cope, the stress causes me to clamp my jaws and that flares up the tmj, and if that is not enough then the trigeminal neuralgia get in on the action. then I am in so much pain that it is not controllable. now mind you I have a very high tolerance to pain, hell that high tolerance almost killed me. I could not feel the pain from it until it was kicking my ass not holding food down, and literally doubling over in pain. so bad I could not stand. and this man I am married to, could do nothing but get ugly with me because I needed to go to the emergency room. cussing the whole way there. I of course was admitted, tests ran, put in a room on morphine till I could not tell you my name. He has the nerve to call up there in the afternoon and cuss me out on the phone because, get this, I had not cleaned out the fridge. I had surgery the next morning and even the surgeon did not expect me to live I was that bad. did he ever apologize for the way he treated me and all the time I was in the hospital? no, and I did ask him should I have died would he remember the last thing he said to me. he could not answer as he did not know what he had done and when I told him, his excuse was he was stressed! Not a good answer there bud. 

You know I have been married almost all my life, since I was 19. I really like the state of being married, and right now just not the person I am married to. I know I am awful stating that. but in the present state of things I would rather not be married. Hell I am sure I would have been better off. what do I have to show for 13 yrs of marriage. Other than my parrots and few things here or there I have nothing. No respect for him that is for sure.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Oh what a week.

What a my sewing room mostly unpacked..(just quilt books to put on bookcase) waiting for hubby to put them together. while doing that I had boxes in the hall that had been broken down to get rid of them. I was having a bad bad day with being uncoordinated.
So I fell over them and of all things broke my little toe. Now I knew my foot was hurting but I thought it was my ankle which I have been so graceful over the years and have hurt it so many times. that is what I had done again so did not look. took 2 aleve and kept going. So when I took a shower that evening, low and behold I found out what was causing it. my foot was black and blue. and swollen. only me----I just love days like that...not!  

my week has been a series of the same thing. off balance and a bit not with it. this morning I dropped a dish  of parrot food, split 2 cups of coffee on myself. so took myself off to the computer. figured it would be safe enough.  

I hate days like this. I am so not with it. and not being a morning person that makes even harder on me when I have to deal with it. yesterday I got the wipes my daughter sent me to sew up for her. it will go back out in the mail today. hopefully if I catch the mail man. 

off to see what else I can drop or otherwise for the day. just got the call that on Monday I go for the upper GI which I am not looking forward to.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

what a day

Been while since updating on the blog. Just have not been up to it really. 
I finally got everything gone and omg!!! I got a real live shower. yep, ran the hot water out. so finally it is over. 

I found out this week that my puppy will be coming home around the first of the month. Going to drive partway to meet daughter and pick her up. will get to see grandkids and daughter so excited about that.  I get to see the newest granddaughter to!  now of course is the dilemma of letting hubby know we are doing it....shush----will break the news closer to time. he is prepared for shiloh coming. but he is in for a surprise...another dog and a parrot will be coming along with them....not telling him that either until on the road to get them. I really do not think it will be a problem. as one will be outside most the time.  I can sneak her in some when he is not home.  shiloh is stictly an inside dog. and he knows that he is concerned with tail wagging and cages....I have been told she is a real wuss on some stuff so hopefully that is one of the things because I have to teach her that the parrots are for her to protect and to keep nose and tail away from the I can just see some of the larger parrots who have a habit of sticking their feet out to grab anything that gets close to the cages. 

and speaking about parrots. He is absolutely not QUALIFIED to feed Merlin. I came home this last time from the hospital and my poor baby had baby food stuck to his crest feathers and all over his face. asked him what happened and he said he thought he was going to bite him so he tossed the spoon at him. and he wonders why merlin wants to nail him everytime he goes by the cage...and Sacha is trying and has jumped on him bite him when he passes his cage. and all he can do is scream help come get him. he is such a wuss when it comes to my parrots. and no mistaking they are that with the exception of one of them. 

so much for excitement at my house. it revolves around the parrots. I have finally been able to get into my sewing room and put it in some sort of order....which is a job in itself. he painted rooms when I was in the hospital the first time...he took from those rooms and tossed in the sewing room....clothes that had been missing that I had been looking for.was found. I washed 7 loads of laundry because they were everywhere. don't think I did not mention it to him....I guess I could look at it that he had not boxed everything and put in the storeage shed / room out back with Coco....she periodically goes through the boxes she can reach and seems she is fond of catalogs....which is not a big loss so have not fussed at her about it. she is basically a good girl but she follows him around and then she does everything he does. including trying to help with the compost and then he fusses at her. 

I better close for now it is 2:30 am and could not sleep so thought I would get this done.  

Monday, February 15, 2010


The longer the wait on the test is the more scared that I will be going back into surgery which will mean more time in the hospital and even longer recovery time. I spoke with my surgeon and he wants to be present at the test to see what is going on and if anything has to be done he will be there to just go ahead and do it while I am there. it will be done at the hospital.  which this recovery is not doing so well. I guess on the up side I have lost weight abet the hard way. I can walk without my legs rubbing together. and it is so noticeable that the neighbors can tell I have lost it. I have no engery, no appettite, no nothing. I am drained with trying to just get through the day and that is maybe without a lay down. even with a lay down it is still the same. the parrots they are dealing with it but they do not understand much of what is going on either. other than I am sick. not active around them. worked out a system that the bigger ones can get out with me. I use couple of towels covering everything so they can get hands on as they rely on me for their love and cuddles. they have nothing to do with hubby at all other than to scream and try to bite him through the cages. god forbid he has to take care of them because he can not function doing so and going to work. he is totally clueless about stuff. or at least he tries to be. it can be very irritating at the best of times it gets on my nerves. 
this time before I go in for the test just in case I have to stay I will be doing more than I should because I will not have him calling up like last time being ugly with me over shit. I am already doing more stuff than I really should be and it is part of why I am so drained. and he cares not as long as he can stay to his routine and not have it messed with he could care less what is happening with me. truthfully if it was not for the parrots and don't take this the wrong way I would not care if I made it or not. They are my focus and have been and he knows it. It sure is not for him. I will not get into it. but I do not have an ideal marriage and I am the first to admit it. I know I will never get married again or at this point I do not even want to get involved again. the little over a year we were apart I was at my happiest time. 

the one thing that I hate the most is being lied to. And he does it all the time and he uses it to his advantage most the time. this has always been a sore point for me with him and he knows it. 

I have to get busy on the phone with the doctors offices this morning to try to get them moving on the paperwork so that I can get this finished up and be done with it. 
not only am I depressed with the surgery and with me being bipolar this is a point to be considered. but it has knocked it all out of control. I am expecting to have medication changes when I see the dr. 

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Another week almost gone. Still waiting on getting in for this other test. Just so weary of it all. Not recovering fast enough. Daughter and family are going to wait until June to come out as the spring break is not long enough and frankly we are worried that I will not be recovered enough to enjoy the grandkids. 

I can honestly say Shiloh is a talker.....Lissa tells her to do something and she has to have hre say in it. I hear her when on the phone. they call her mud bucket. she will roll in the wet dirt. and then track it in the house. but she is not the only one doing it either. 
I am doing to much that I am not suppose to be doing and the day after it I have to take it easy.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

It is a bad day

There is nothing like not being able to do stuff and the person who has to do it because they know why you can't act like it is a real pain and this is after god knows how many beers already this morning. This is what makes me wish that I was not married. When you are made to feel like a burden because of circumstances that you have no control over.

It is a bad day anyway, when to bed with headache got up with headache and rainy weather. sure do not help things. nor is it when I do stuff I should not do and am hurting really bad. because if I leave it to him it would never get done. the parrots are mine therefore he feels he should not have to do anything for them or help with trying to clean cages even if it is just changing the cage papers. so who does that leave? me that is who.

I think I will be going in to sit with the parrots soon and do a little handwork then I most like will be ready for a nap. will try to add more later

Friday, January 29, 2010

Just musing

this week has been a busy week with tests and dr appts. I was so hoping to lose all the additional things that came home with me from the hospital but I have to go for more tests to see if it can be done safely or not. Next week is another repeat of this week. after I go for these by the time I get home I have to lay down and I am out for hours. which is a pain. when you see someone sleeping you would think that the person would leave you alone. but not my hubby he wakes me up several times. for bullshit stuff. he is carrying his mr helplessness a bit to far and I jumped him for it today. had all I could take of it. Lets face it he is 53 and past time to have grown up. or at least you would think so.

I am so tired of being sick and nonfunctioning for lack of better word as I am very limited on what I am suppose to be doing. (but having to do stuff anyway or it would not be done) but if you have a husband that even though he knows how serious this has been that acts like a child and throws tantrums because he is still having to do stuff instead of his normal routine. which is come home drink beer take a shower take his dinner to his room and watch tv and sleep and then will throw another tantrum when I tell him the parrots are going to bed. to him that is all he should be required to do. I am doing the cooking and should not be because of the location of the drainage tubes. but does he get this fact hell no he don't. would be one thing if I really wanted to eat which my appetite is minimal right now hence the gatorade the v8 and the ensure and broth that I am doing because of it. like yesterday all I ate was a grilled cheese and had to choke that down even though I did not want it. today it was turkey salad. ate part of it the other went in the trash. since this surgery and because of the severity of it my stomache was involved with the gangrene and if I put to much in it I start throwing up. and my newest best friend is maalox advanced cherry flavor. I am allowed no pain meds not even very much tyneol because of the issue of the liver trying to shut down.

the first week in the hospital I was so out of it as they had me on morphine every 3 hours then to loratabs and then to nothing the last 4 days I was in there.. all I can say it is a good thing I have high tolerance to pain or I would be up the creek without a paddle. but then again that was what created the issue that I did not know I was that seriously ill. I thought I just had a really bad virus. now picture this. 2 days before christmas eve day I had started the throwing up and not being able to hold much of anything besides water down, and it was like that until that sunday after christmas. I had a great surgeon he actually saved my life. If I had waited 2 more days would have been no point in going to the ER as I would have been dead it was that serious. He told me yesterday in his 30 yrs of practice he has never had a case as bad and as life threatening as mine. he said he never remembers patients but he would remember me and mine. He worked hard to save me and I am very appreciative of having him for my doctor. He told me I would owe him a bottle of Vodka for saving me. to me he is worth that and so much more.

which I had a really bad holiday and start to the new year and spent my BIRTHDAY in the hospital! of all places. so yea I will remember the end of 2009 and the start of 2010. wooo hooo go me. just like something I would do.

I am looking forward to a real honest to god shower and hair washing. you do not know how much you miss something so simple as that until you can not do so. sponge baths are not all that great. which i could shave my legs - can't bend over to do it- washing my hair in the sink in the bathroom with the help of a glass and that is lots of fun as it is past my waist now. it is all the little things you do daily without even thinking about them that you really get slapped in the face when you are not allowed to do it.

I think not only is this being hard on me but also on my larger parrots that are use to lap cuddles as right now they can not be on me with all the tubes. they love to mouth my clothes. lets be honest I have clothes that are parrot friendly not by choice but because they have made them that way. these are just house clothes not something I go off in. so they do this and I know that so I know I can not hold them. they are out on their cages and on the tree stand but they are not happy with it. my macaw sydney keeps lifting her foot begging to get in my lap. I talk to her and explain to her every time she does it why she can not and I show her why. I tell the big cockatoos the same thing and show to them. people think I am crazy as I talk to them and let them know what is going on. Like when I have to go to the doctor I tell them I will be back soon I have a doctor appt. they understand more than you think they do.

I even do that with dogs also. speaking of which we have or I should say he has a chocolate lab that is 3 now. we have had her a year. he left a cinder block out by the above ground koi pond and he went out there the other day and caught her standing on the block on her hind feet with her paws and head hung over the side watching the koi swim around. kodak moment and no camera in hand. always happens that way you know.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Sunday Evening

Today is Sunday the day you get ready for the start of the week. usually that is. in this case though it is a start of more tests (tuesday) and the surgeon on thursday.

Spent a lousy holiday season, the first of the year and my birthday in the hospital.

I thought I just had a really bad virus seems like it was much more serious than that. I had gallstones so bad that they were in the liver and the pancreas's and my liver was shutting down and it was starting to flow over into my stomach all of it had gangrene so I am very lucky to be alive. the surgeon said 2 more days and I would have been dead. and they could not do the 3 little holes for the surgery although I have them to but I am cut all the way from my stomach to my side. just another scar to add to the road map, lol and dang I have STAPLES IN MY DAMN BELLYBUTTON

I am still not out of the woods yet but will be so happy when I am. I am looking forward to a decent shower (can't right now because of stuff came home with me) and a decent hair wash. have you ever tried to wash your hair in a sink? it sucks!

Ok my cockatoos and macaw has been on a screaming kick all day long. nothing made them happy. some days it happens. mostly when hubby is home and the fact that they are clinging to me because they are afraid that I will disappear like I did when I went to the hospital.

and I have a jerk for a hubby right now as he is having to pull weight with stuff I normally do and right now am not allowed to do by the doctor. even though he knows it he still has to act like a child about things

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Just a note

This is my little place to talk about life with our parrots, my quilting and life in general.

So if you do not want to follow on my meandering around on different topics then this is not a blog you would be happy following .

This is mostly for me to write about things that I face every day. Especially important for me as I live with Bipolar Disorder and sometimes I need to write about what is going on to keep my sanity.

So happy reading