Monday, February 15, 2010


The longer the wait on the test is the more scared that I will be going back into surgery which will mean more time in the hospital and even longer recovery time. I spoke with my surgeon and he wants to be present at the test to see what is going on and if anything has to be done he will be there to just go ahead and do it while I am there. it will be done at the hospital.  which this recovery is not doing so well. I guess on the up side I have lost weight abet the hard way. I can walk without my legs rubbing together. and it is so noticeable that the neighbors can tell I have lost it. I have no engery, no appettite, no nothing. I am drained with trying to just get through the day and that is maybe without a lay down. even with a lay down it is still the same. the parrots they are dealing with it but they do not understand much of what is going on either. other than I am sick. not active around them. worked out a system that the bigger ones can get out with me. I use couple of towels covering everything so they can get hands on as they rely on me for their love and cuddles. they have nothing to do with hubby at all other than to scream and try to bite him through the cages. god forbid he has to take care of them because he can not function doing so and going to work. he is totally clueless about stuff. or at least he tries to be. it can be very irritating at the best of times it gets on my nerves. 
this time before I go in for the test just in case I have to stay I will be doing more than I should because I will not have him calling up like last time being ugly with me over shit. I am already doing more stuff than I really should be and it is part of why I am so drained. and he cares not as long as he can stay to his routine and not have it messed with he could care less what is happening with me. truthfully if it was not for the parrots and don't take this the wrong way I would not care if I made it or not. They are my focus and have been and he knows it. It sure is not for him. I will not get into it. but I do not have an ideal marriage and I am the first to admit it. I know I will never get married again or at this point I do not even want to get involved again. the little over a year we were apart I was at my happiest time. 

the one thing that I hate the most is being lied to. And he does it all the time and he uses it to his advantage most the time. this has always been a sore point for me with him and he knows it. 

I have to get busy on the phone with the doctors offices this morning to try to get them moving on the paperwork so that I can get this finished up and be done with it. 
not only am I depressed with the surgery and with me being bipolar this is a point to be considered. but it has knocked it all out of control. I am expecting to have medication changes when I see the dr.