Sunday, January 31, 2016

Been a while.....

Been a while since posting. Just alot going on and stuff running around in my head and can't get a grip on it or a handle on all of it.
Been working on getting the rock garden cleaned out and redone for the wedding this coming month. Has been a real job too.  What a mess it has been and a challenge to. Yesterday Marty called me early and I mean early (they get up at 4:30 every morning and me I am not a morning person so they delight in getting my unhappy butt up!) to come and go with her to pick up a half ton of pea gravel and the stone edging for it. Then in the early evening when it has cooled off she called over here because my brother told her to call her sister (wow sister...I like that) to get over there as there was work to do.  Course now I have her bright ass yellow truck in the drive as the gas beast is over with pea gravel still in it. The gas beast is a full size dodge ram truck. She don’t get a very good gas mileage but then again I put 60 in at the beginning of the month and it last all month. I do not do much running around so it is not to bad. The most it goes is back and forth here in Bone Gap.
Marty and I joined a gym and we have been going to work out around her work schedule to do so. Neither of us wants to go by ourselves not only is it safer in case one of us gets hurt. Let's just say it has been an experience neither one of us will repeat. And by that the other day when we were there.....I am so sure they had a good laugh when they looked at the cam.....Marty got on a machine I forget what it is called, but you adjust for hanging upside down and she did not change the settings on it and got stuck... upside down and almost fell out of it.Well in my hurry to get to her I tripped getting off the exercise bike that sits low. Needless to say I don't think she will be trying it in the future!!!! We looked at each other and busted out laughing like idiots.....but was worth it to.
My tomcat Tigger is such a sweet boy. The only thing about him being outside and all is the fact the landlord has a mommy cat (what I call her and then socks and sweetie) and two kittens. They are suppose to be barn cats but she had the kittens here under my trailer. So of course I am now feeding 4 cats instead of one. I will not see them go hungry call me soft hearted but it is what it is. I have to admit that the kittens are cute as can be. I have a hummingbird feeder out on the porch and the silly kittens try to catch the hummingbirds and the feeder is not close enough where they are jumping up and then they go splat into the flower bed. You would think they learn not to do it but that is not the is not uncommon for me to see cat noses against my front door. Or laying all over the porch. It is an old antique door that has 15 panes of glasses (pain to clean to ) and has a yep! Skelton key for it. Yesterday Sacha was scooting around on the floor while I was working in the kitchen and he went to the door and did his feathers up thing and I explained to him that is why they are on the other side of that door for his safety.  They of course was there looking in at him.....
Today is going to be a laid back day for me as fought off and on all night a headache trying to work into a migraine.....not good this morning I feel like a wrung out dishcloth. I am enjoying the quite as my babies has adjusted to having their own room and only out here off and on through the day. No screaming which is really a welcome change for me. The other day I laid down on the sofa and took a nap. And as Sacha has to sleep weird now (don’t get me started on that) he laid down with me. We slept for 2 hours.....and would have slept longer if my phone did not ring

Friday, June 22, 2012

new blog

If you have been following this blog of mine. I would redirect you to the new one. At the tme I tried to log on and post to this one it would not let me recover for whatever reason so I started a new one and you can follow it here and click the follow button. for that one.

thanks everyone.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Hello world

I know that I blog more when in manic phase rather than the depression one. but I have to have outlet to put what I need to regardless of it 

What can I say? Things here are not like they should be. Three months into Lissa passing, he is on a dating site. He is coming and going without telling me he is leaving only if I look for him do I find he is gone.  On days off or half day off. He will not help and not even with the kids. He hides in his room. I am very lucky if he vacuums the floor or takes out the trash. 

As the saying goes......rude, crude and socially unacceptable..some of this applies to him. You know you would think living in a house with another adult in it (regardless of the fact he needs to grow up) you would think that I would have someone to talk with. well so much for thinking that.

I am really bothered about the dating site with her gone for only 3 months. that shows how little he thought of my daughter. but he is telling people or misleading them that he is doing it all. taking care of the house and everything on his own. it is OMG why am I here then. I can tell you! A babysitter for the kids while he is at work, and a housekeeper, and laundry person. I am not allowed to take my grandkids off as "THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN!" and that is the way he screamed it at me.  I am not even authorized to take them to the doctor. Oh no only he is..I shudder at what he is saying behind my back. I would like to be a fly on the wall. I have a new counselor which I requested because all of a sudden he has started to work half days on thursdays knowing I have therapy appts on that day. so I have had to call and cancel couple and reschedule them. Now he is only off on Mondays. So with doing this I have to get a new counselor that works on monday. so should be interesting. I hate the thought of going over it in detail yet again. 

This is the second day of Lorelei being home. Yesterday I could see it her being here. But today only because he did not get up before 7 am so instead of taking her to school he just kept her home. I pray it is not another day like yesterday and she is whining and crying and at some points screaming all mixed in. I was totally frazzled and I was in bed by 10:30 pm. which never happens unless I am sick..


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I hate the feeling that it is thought that what I do is never enough. when doing the homework and seeing to the kids it is made to feel like it is thought that I am lacking. It seems that is also the case with the house it is not ever enough it seems the house is clean and the laundry washed it just has to be sorted and hung and put away. even that is not to expectations. 

I try very hard to fill the void with the children, and taking care of the house and him. I can never be Lissa  and do stuff the way she did. I do not expect to be compared to her and found lacking. Never I think you are doing a good job or that the house is clean. Sometimes thank you means alot for the what I do. I am never going to replace Lissa,  I can never fill the void. I do not do things the same as she did. It makes me feel as if it is expected to be done the same way as she did it because two people do not do the same thing the same way as we would take a  different approach to stuff.  

I will be 54 my coming up birthday. At this point in life never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be raising 5 kids at my age. But that is what happened. I loose my beautiful daughter, I have lost much more than that. She was my salvation when I thought that I had her back into my life. We have had a really hard relationship since she was 16 yrs old. We worked very hard on it this last 10 yrs and we had worked through all the issues that were lingering from it. And we had done it I am proud to say. My boys is a totally different story. The oldest is 34, and his opinion of me is that I am less a person, that I am scum of the earth. Now with his opinion of me causes me to hurt, but to him maybe this is what he is made to feel like because of his life style. It is very hard to be gay and in a relationship that is not exactly good one either. The youngest has refused to see me since he was 14 yrs old he did not want me in his life that he did not want me as a mother either. His father gained custody of him because of the fact the older brother was gay.  I iand I. He moved in with them and still lives with them. He made his best friends family his. Since the age of 14 I have only seen him maybe grand total of 10 times. 

Lissa was the only child that I had in my life and now she is gone I feel lost and just hanging in limbo doing what I have to do and what has to be done. I grieve for her every single day and I wish things had been different and we would have a good long life together and it was snatched from me. She had become my friend and we talked all the time about stuff that she had hopes and dreams for the children. I want to see Caelyn to go to college and get a good education and get a degree in some sort of field. She is so smart that she is very gifted. She plays the violin and she is doing 6th grade work in 4th grade. She could go far in this life with college behind her. Although Stan does not think she will continue her education because of all that happened here and I think he wants to hold on to her being a first born daughter and fathers all act funky when they turn into teenagers god forbid I hope it is not a wild ride with her. I feel that she will have to beat the boys away from her she is so beautiful and petite and she is getting her girly curves for her hips now. We have had to put her in little training bras. I am trying to do the stuff that Lissa and I had talked about to see that her wishes are being done and carried out. I love you so very much Lissa And I wish you peace where ever your spirit has wen to.Ithink of you in heaven with a beautiful flower garden of roses that you love.
who is to say where we go for sure when we pass. 
got to run the 2o month old is a small tornado.....

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

What a beginning of a difficult day!

Started off the day with a migraine and have a bad case of depression. Three of the younger kids crying for mommy at the start of the day. Heartbreaking to say the least. A son in law who did not know how to handle the situation as he is dealing with his own case of depression over the situation. Which leaves me to step up to bat and handle it. Which I did because that was what was needed. 

Along the same note, I hate the beginning of school year......someone brought home a stomach of course I am the one affected with it as I am most likely to be the one with it. Well that is what happened. On top of it yep you guessed it I got it!

Today is also a busy day. I have to run about Susie and get what has to be done before the others get home. and when nap comes I have to mop floors. 

I swear I am fed up with dogs escaping and running off. This is the decision, since 2 of them got out and was gone for over 3 hours they brought themselves home. So no more panicking about it. I will not search for them again. The only one I will worry about is Goliath. Because he usually will not come home.  Him I will chase down....

Have I mentioned I hate laundry behind 5 kids. Stan and I have the least amount of clothes of the bunch. It is all I can do to keep up with housework behind 5 kids and everything to do with the upkeep of the house and them.    

I have to laugh last nite Lorelei had some peanut butter cookies and sacha got down off the cage and ran to her to get one of them and then made a beeline back to his cage. lol so cute it was. 

I am so proud of all the birds, they handle a high busy house with 5 kids and the large dogs really well. my two Birdie and Sacha had never been around either of them. They have adjusted really well and they both love the kids. Birdie has finally stopped chasing them and will go over and sit on them when they are on the floor and they will step up and interact with all of them. Sacha is a bit more selective who he interacts with. But if it involves food, he don't care who he begs it from. lol.....does not matter if it is Stan or the kids. And Birdie who hates men, he loves to interact with Stan. And Sacha who attacked Donny every chance he got, well he will step up and interact with Stan also. It is so amazing to see the change in both of them. They will get down and explore the house. I have found Sacha all the way down the hall into the master bedroom. or over by the garage door in the kitchen. if I have laundry baskets he will climb up in them. Meekit loves the baskets as well. And my little guy who never said anything but peek a boo, is an accomplished talker. Now remember he is 8 yrs old. it is amazing the way my 2 have turned around. Sacha is even growing feathers back slowly but he is. so proud of him. 

now all I have to do is turn Alf around. It was my daughter's goffin cockatoo. He would not let anyone handle him, even her rarely. As long as he is on his cage he is aggressive, and recently floor aggressive. When off the cage he will interact with me as long as I sit in the recliner between the 2 cages. Alf will come down and join me with Birdie and Sacha. Birdie will interact with Alf in that setting, and Sacha not at all. When Alf gets on their cage they put him/her off the cage as it is their cage. 

I got to run laters

Thursday, August 18, 2011


 This Lorelei Renee, She is 3 yrs old and I call her my wild child because of her hair.

 Stan with his twin Steven and Susannah
 Lissa and I with the 3 older kids at easter 2007
 Stan and Lissa with the 3 oldest kids at easter 2007
This is from left to right, Alexander Ray 5yrs old, Lorelei Renee 3 yrs old, Stanley Ray 34 yrs old, Susannah Faith 19 months old, Caelyn Elise 9 yrs old, Gabriel Patrick, 7 yrs old.
 Alex in front yard

 Caelyn in front yard
The three girls by age. Caelyn, Lorelei, Susannah

This  is the photo memory that was used at the memorial service. This is my beautiful daughter at different times through the life of the kids and the one on her wedding day. 

 Caelyn playing her violin for us.
Caelyn practice singing Amazing Grace that she sang at the memorial service for her mother.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

What a flipping morning

This started last night with him screaming at me over a netflix envelope that was suppose to be on the dresser by the tv and it was not there. Of course it was not there while cleaning his room (which by the way was trashed and took me almost 3 hours to clean it) one of the kids had knocked  the stack of papers on the floor so any papers that was anything and not trash papers like flyers and such and broken cds and dvds on the floor, under his bed and under the crib and dropping the crib down which I had asked several times for him to do it and Lissa had asked several times for him to do it also.  I  had put them in the box by the tv. and in his fit he just dumped the box on the bed. Which I told him and that was where it was. He does not ever say sorry. You can be sure I will not yelled at and he will be broke of it. 

This morning did not start off that flipping great. I had a son in law screaming at me over his damn socks that he swore he washed and I found 3 of them out there and if that was not enough he went ballistic with me because the clothes that was hers that was in the laundry I put in a bag in the closet and moved her clothes that was hanging so that I could hang all the stuff that has to be hung in there. omg you would have thought I committed a sin.

Anyway he was told he would not scream and yell at me that way. I will not deal with it on top of keeping the house clean and everything done and taking care of 5 kids which 3 are special needs on a daily basis. I am with these children all day and most the nights as he works double shifts to make his hours so that we have mondays and thursdays for doctor appts and such. I do not get time away from them very much so I treasure my quite times in the afternoons.   I know he is stressed but my god so am I. I get a few hours away when I go to the drs as none of them get in a hurry and I am there for good bit. 

The one thing I have taken on me is that I have started to have my nails done again after a long time of not having them. I have worn them since 1992. It is something that makes me feel good and I need that. I take Caelyn with me and we make it a girly time as she is such a big help with everything I try to lighten the stuff she does because before I moved in she was the one taking care of the little ones and dealing with the fighting and seeing to mommy. I want her to be able to still be a girl and not have to have that responsibility on her. 

Today is laundry day here. Everyone but Susie is hanging clothes that have to hung and to there rooms. I am tired of it piling up as to this point it was all up to me to do. and by god they are going to learn to do there own laundry after it is washed. That is part of their responsibility along with keeping there rooms clean. 

Every afternoon I enforce a quiet time for 2 hours a day for me to recharge me as it is very difficult if I do not have that break. I work on handwork and listen to tv while doing it. The boys protest it quite strongly. I am trying to break them from running in every few minutes to see if it is over with yet. drives me crazy! So I am giving them a clock and setting a alarm that at that point they are allowed out of their room. The girls go to their room also. They are free to play, read or whatever but if they drag toys out they have to be put up before leaving the room. And my granddaughter is very good at hiding dirty clothes in her room so once week I have to go in there and pull them out and I give her a good scolding and since that is not working then she is going to be losing a privilege that she likes to do. i usually do not have trouble from her but the clothes issue is a major one here as with school starting they have been told their is going to be spotless by sunday nite because I was not going to kill myself with constantly  cleaning behind them. lets get real here never in my wildest imagination did I ever expect to be raising my 5 grandchildren. Let me tell you I walked in on kids with no rules and would not listen to anyone. within a week that got started on a change and it will stand. they have 2 pages of house rules on the wall and we go over them every week. we have a chore list of what has to be done every day for all of us, not assigned ones they know that if I tell them to do it they had better get busy and do it. As I sit here typing this I have La La snugled up with me. Most likely she will be taking an early nap. She got in trouble and some days she just does deal well with it. and her day started of on the wrong foot as Alex bit her on the arm. her day and mine are in the bucket.

I got to go, I have 2 fighting and it is going on lunch time here now so feeding the wild kids is a chore with some of them. 

See you on the flip side.