Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I hate the feeling that it is thought that what I do is never enough. when doing the homework and seeing to the kids it is made to feel like it is thought that I am lacking. It seems that is also the case with the house it is not ever enough it seems the house is clean and the laundry washed it just has to be sorted and hung and put away. even that is not to expectations. 

I try very hard to fill the void with the children, and taking care of the house and him. I can never be Lissa  and do stuff the way she did. I do not expect to be compared to her and found lacking. Never I think you are doing a good job or that the house is clean. Sometimes thank you means alot for the what I do. I am never going to replace Lissa,  I can never fill the void. I do not do things the same as she did. It makes me feel as if it is expected to be done the same way as she did it because two people do not do the same thing the same way as we would take a  different approach to stuff.  

I will be 54 my coming up birthday. At this point in life never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be raising 5 kids at my age. But that is what happened. I loose my beautiful daughter, I have lost much more than that. She was my salvation when I thought that I had her back into my life. We have had a really hard relationship since she was 16 yrs old. We worked very hard on it this last 10 yrs and we had worked through all the issues that were lingering from it. And we had done it I am proud to say. My boys is a totally different story. The oldest is 34, and his opinion of me is that I am less a person, that I am scum of the earth. Now with his opinion of me causes me to hurt, but to him maybe this is what he is made to feel like because of his life style. It is very hard to be gay and in a relationship that is not exactly good one either. The youngest has refused to see me since he was 14 yrs old he did not want me in his life that he did not want me as a mother either. His father gained custody of him because of the fact the older brother was gay.  I iand I. He moved in with them and still lives with them. He made his best friends family his. Since the age of 14 I have only seen him maybe grand total of 10 times. 

Lissa was the only child that I had in my life and now she is gone I feel lost and just hanging in limbo doing what I have to do and what has to be done. I grieve for her every single day and I wish things had been different and we would have a good long life together and it was snatched from me. She had become my friend and we talked all the time about stuff that she had hopes and dreams for the children. I want to see Caelyn to go to college and get a good education and get a degree in some sort of field. She is so smart that she is very gifted. She plays the violin and she is doing 6th grade work in 4th grade. She could go far in this life with college behind her. Although Stan does not think she will continue her education because of all that happened here and I think he wants to hold on to her being a first born daughter and fathers all act funky when they turn into teenagers god forbid I hope it is not a wild ride with her. I feel that she will have to beat the boys away from her she is so beautiful and petite and she is getting her girly curves for her hips now. We have had to put her in little training bras. I am trying to do the stuff that Lissa and I had talked about to see that her wishes are being done and carried out. I love you so very much Lissa And I wish you peace where ever your spirit has wen to.Ithink of you in heaven with a beautiful flower garden of roses that you love.
who is to say where we go for sure when we pass. 
got to run the 2o month old is a small tornado.....