Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Been awhile

 Been several months since writing on here. Just has been so hectic here. When I moved in with my daughter in March. I came straight here from jail. She was having serious health issues. At that time she handed over the running of the household and kids and all of it to me to take care of. I did and am still doing it.  And the doctors were not moving fast enough to get her in surgery as it was canceled twice because of thyroid being hyperthyroidism and not stable enough yet to do the surgery. So as each day and week and month passed I saw her health get worse and worse. and in May she was put on a walker as she could barely hold herself up to walk without falling. she was going to physical therapy twice a week. I was praying they would get her taken care of in time. 

In July her birthday was the 3rd. She was really bad off. On the morning of the 16th I had finished a quilt that I was handquilting for her to use for a lovie as to her that is what the quilts I made she knew and felt the love I had for her because it was quilted with love.  I told her she needed to go to the emergency room. I went back into the front of the house to feed the kids breakfast and feed and water the parrots and was gone maybe 25 minutes. and I went back in to see if she was getting ready. She was not in the bed and Stan was dosing. As he did not sleep much the nite before this. I had come by the bathroom and looked in the bathroom as I came by and did not see her as she was not on the toilet. He said she was in the bathroom and omg I backed up and looked she was in the floor. We had to force the door open to get to her. He did cpr as I called 911. I knew and so did he when we looked at her she was blue. I put all the kids to their rooms as I did not want them to see their mother that way. It has been a nightmare for us and we are still devastated by her loss. we are dealing with it the best we can. I have advised to go to grief counselling as I am having a really really hard time with her loss. Today is one month she has been gone and the pain of her loss is still there stronger than ever and I know it will be a long time coming before I can get through it. I held it together more when my mom passed away. The pain there has lessened but I still feel it there especially at her birthday and mothers day. 
The older kids know and understand what happened. The 5 yr old is just now starting to have issues with the loss as is the 3 yr old the only one really not affected as bad is the baby. 

They do have issues when I leave the house and am gone for a while. They are afraid that I will not come home also. and it takes a good bit for me to calm them down. and that is all 5 of them that feel that way.

Stan is having a harder time of losing her because he loved her with all his heart and soul. And he loves the children the same way. I will be staying with them and taking care of them and the household. He just has to pay the bills and work. I take care of the rest here. I love him like a son, considering the fact that my own two sons have no use for me in there lives. my oldest has told me how much he hates me and all with his sister has passed away. so no son there and the youngest had told me years ago he did not need me in his life as a mother or otherwise. I have had to deal with the pain of the loss of him as I never in my wildest thoughts that he would do that at all. but I misjudged him and I not only blame him but his father as well for what happened. Talk about feeling like a failure at life with 4 bad marriages behind me and the boys telling me that. Lissa was my baby in all the that mattered to me, and I treasure the relationship I had with Lissa that much more because I turned the love I had for my children all to her and the grand babies and stan. That has not changed. I treasure them more beyond belief as that is all I have of her and I see her in each and everyone of them. Susannah is the exact imagine of her mother. The others some do favor her. Caelyn looks like both them and the boys more like him and the 2 youngest favor their mommy. 
I have to close this out I have been up since 6:30 am the dogs got me up they had to go out.