Saturday, February 12, 2011


 Where to start? How about the new pretty blog design? I loved it! Just so beautiful and elegant and just what I was looking for too.
 I think I will be doing more blogging in the coming year. I miss it as I was on yahoo 360 and not really have done much blogging since then. So I will be trying to get back in the swing of it.
This blog will mostly be my ramblings and such as I sometimes need to talk through things that I can't or won't talk about with a warm body in front of me. (well with the exception of my best friend.)

It has been our winter here and dreary as it is. Thankfully we do not get snow. But we do get considerably colder weather in the winter. 

Lets see~ ~ ~ ~ since last blogged. Just tried to get my life back together this past year. It was the year for the pj's and I do not want another year like it.  It was a long recovery for me and not something that I would recommend doing unless you had to do it not fun at all. 

It has been a year of awakening personally for me in so many areas of my life. Some not so good as others. One of the good things is that my daughter and grandchildren are here now. Which they were not before. So that is a blessing for me. A good look at my marriage and just not seeing what I need to be seeing in it. Some decisions that I have to make and stand behind, some life changing ones that is not always easy to make. You look at your life and you wonder "where the hell are you" " is this what you expected to be at". When you look at it you just don't see what you want to. I guess the issues that have become more apparent to me this last year is things that have been going on through out the marriage that I was just trying to ignore and now can not be ignored any longer they have to be addressed. This past year I have found out that I am married to a man who hates the fact that I have mental issues, I have children and grandchildren and that I am a real human being with feelings and emotions. I have issues being told that I can or can not do something especially if it is connected to or anything to do with my kids or grandkids. I am married to a man who has control issues and I am tired of being a possession. I am tired of being talked demeaning to. Or being told I am stupid. Or let drive anywhere that he does not take me because otherwise he can not control anything. I get almost nothing out of the marriage. He spends no time actually with me to be just with me. He sits on the porch when he comes home smoking, maybe some beer. Will sit out there for hours and then come in and take a shower and get out and yell I am out. This is so that I can hand deliver his dinner to him as he has went to bed. You heard me, to bed! He does not share time with me in the living room and has not in years. He does not like the fact that I have a friend, a best friend that he can not run off, as he does not want me to have interaction with someone that he can not control what we talk about. I feel trapped in this situation because of circumstances. Well some things are changing and if he don't stop or ease up then it will be the end. The very end. I can not continue to live my life this way, I just can't as I am getting to old to do it. I do not ever want to be in a relationship or even get married again. (I think that anyone could say I have bad luck with it. Hell I have done this 4 times now and can not get it right! some track record woooo go me!) I think I need time to be just me and no one else. I have been married since I was 19 yrs old with the exception of 3 yrs. That is a total of 31 yrs of married life. You know when you are young and one of the realist ideas that you have is that when you fall in love that it lasts a lifetime. For some people it does and for others it does not. I can honestly say that after all these years. The love of my life was my first husband. But I would never be with him and I made that choice when I was 23 yrs old. He taught me that there is another side of life that most people do not want to ever see. I was raised with parents that stayed together and married for 40 yrs when my mother passed away. It was not perfect and all but they stayed together no matter the issues that they had. So I did not come from a broken home, or an abused childhood. I never really ever thought that marriage could be something other than what my parents had. I had never had any contact with or knowledge of what spousal abuse was or did or any of it. I had an abusive marriage. When I say that people go oh yeah you just say that. But to this day I do not know how I made it out of it. When I was going through it there were no domestic violence laws to protect me. No going to press charges no nothing. He beat me, strangled me, and more that I can not even to this day put into words to even begin to tell someone. To this day I fear for my life. I do not want him within hundreds of miles of me. He tried to kill me and if I had not fought back I would not be here today. I was 18 when we got together, I had not graduated high school, I was working and was going back to school. I had no type of work experience other than working as a waitress and a cook. I got pregnant with my oldest son when I had went back to school and was not able to graduate as I was sick sick with the pregnancy. So I had my baby, and by that time I knew I had to make some sort of life plan because the abuse started right after we were married. I was going to adult high school and had just a few weeks before I graduated. I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. At this point I went into panic mode. I knew I really had to get some sort of training to be able to support me and both kids. So I had the baby and within 3 months I went back to school for some training to be able to make decent money. I got my certificate for data entry and never looked back. Then when my oldest son was 4 yrs old he was diagnosied with cancer, a rare childrens cancer. That threw my world upside down. and the roll a coaster started. During this time the marriage was already falling apart. I not only had 2 children but one seriously sick. (the good news is he is now 33 yrs old) I did what I had to do to survive and take care of them. I have not always made good life choices for myself especially when it comes to men. I attract the wrong type of men. Even my psych dr tells me that. 

I have been stressing really bad over one of my parrots. Jack, my yellow collar macaw. He is a mini macaw and the least noisy one in the house. He is of unknown age as he came to me from being a aviary breeder parrot. He was gotten rid of for whatever reason most likely as he was to old for breeding, that is my guess. His health has not been up to what it should be because of this. We have appointment on Tuesday to see the avian vet. At that point she will advise me what should be done. At which point I will have to make the hardest decision but it will be the best decision for him. This is a really big issue for me as of yet I have not had to make it before. I will be praying for the strength to do what is right and to stay strong. And I could be stressing for nothing also. 

This is all for now