Hello world

I know that I blog more when in manic phase rather than the depression one. but I have to have outlet to put what I need to regardless of it 


What can I say? Things here are not like they should be. Three months into Lissa passing, he is on a dating site. He is coming and going without telling me he is leaving only if I look for him do I find he is gone.  On days off or half day off. He will not help and not even with the kids. He hides in his room. I am very lucky if he vacuums the floor or takes out the trash. 


As the saying goes......rude, crude and socially unacceptable..some of this applies to him. You know you would think living in a house with another adult in it (regardless of the fact he needs to grow up) you would think that I would have someone to talk with. well so much for thinking that.


I am really bothered about the dating site with her gone for only 3 months. that shows how little he thought of my daughter. but he is telling people or misleading them that he is doing it all. taking care of the house and everything on his own. it is OMG why am I here then. I can tell you! A babysitter for the kids while he is at work, and a housekeeper, and laundry person. I am not allowed to take my grandkids off as "THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN!" and that is the way he screamed it at me.  I am not even authorized to take them to the doctor. Oh no only he is..I shudder at what he is saying behind my back. I would like to be a fly on the wall. I have a new counselor which I requested because all of a sudden he has started to work half days on thursdays knowing I have therapy appts on that day. so I have had to call and cancel couple and reschedule them. Now he is only off on Mondays. So with doing this I have to get a new counselor that works on monday. so should be interesting. I hate the thought of going over it in detail yet again. 


This is the second day of Lorelei being home. Yesterday I could see it her being here. But today only because he did not get up before 7 am so instead of taking her to school he just kept her home. I pray it is not another day like yesterday and she is whining and crying and at some points screaming all mixed in. I was totally frazzled and I was in bed by 10:30 pm. which never happens unless I am sick..


laters!

I hate the feeling that it is thought that what I do is never enough. when doing the homework and seeing to the kids it is made to feel like it is thought that I am lacking. It seems that is also the case with the house it is not ever enough it seems the house is clean and the laundry washed it just has to be sorted and hung and put away. even that is not to expectations. 


I try very hard to fill the void with the children, and taking care of the house and him. I can never be Lissa  and do stuff the way she did. I do not expect to be compared to her and found lacking. Never I think you are doing a good job or that the house is clean. Sometimes thank you means alot for the what I do. I am never going to replace Lissa,  I can never fill the void. I do not do things the same as she did. It makes me feel as if it is expected to be done the same way as she did it because two people do not do the same thing the same way as we would take a  different approach to stuff.  


I will be 54 my coming up birthday. At this point in life never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be raising 5 kids at my age. But that is what happened. I loose my beautiful daughter, I have lost much more than that. She was my salvation when I thought that I had her back into my life. We have had a really hard relationship since she was 16 yrs old. We worked very hard on it this last 10 yrs and we had worked through all the issues that were lingering from it. And we had done it I am proud to say. My boys is a totally different story. The oldest is 34, and his opinion of me is that I am less a person, that I am scum of the earth. Now with his opinion of me causes me to hurt, but to him maybe this is what he is made to feel like because of his life style. It is very hard to be gay and in a relationship that is not exactly good one either. The youngest has refused to see me since he was 14 yrs old he did not want me in his life that he did not want me as a mother either. His father gained custody of him because of the fact the older brother was gay.  I iand I. He moved in with them and still lives with them. He made his best friends family his. Since the age of 14 I have only seen him maybe grand total of 10 times. 


Lissa was the only child that I had in my life and now she is gone I feel lost and just hanging in limbo doing what I have to do and what has to be done. I grieve for her every single day and I wish things had been different and we would have a good long life together and it was snatched from me. She had become my friend and we talked all the time about stuff that she had hopes and dreams for the children. I want to see Caelyn to go to college and get a good education and get a degree in some sort of field. She is so smart that she is very gifted. She plays the violin and she is doing 6th grade work in 4th grade. She could go far in this life with college behind her. Although Stan does not think she will continue her education because of all that happened here and I think he wants to hold on to her being a first born daughter and fathers all act funky when they turn into teenagers god forbid I hope it is not a wild ride with her. I feel that she will have to beat the boys away from her she is so beautiful and petite and she is getting her girly curves for her hips now. We have had to put her in little training bras. I am trying to do the stuff that Lissa and I had talked about to see that her wishes are being done and carried out. I love you so very much Lissa And I wish you peace where ever your spirit has wen to.Ithink of you in heaven with a beautiful flower garden of roses that you love.
who is to say where we go for sure when we pass. 
got to run the 2o month old is a small tornado.....

What a beginning of a difficult day!

Started off the day with a migraine and have a bad case of depression. Three of the younger kids crying for mommy at the start of the day. Heartbreaking to say the least. A son in law who did not know how to handle the situation as he is dealing with his own case of depression over the situation. Which leaves me to step up to bat and handle it. Which I did because that was what was needed. 


Along the same note, I hate the beginning of school year......someone brought home a stomach bug....so of course I am the one affected with it as I am most likely to be the one with it. Well that is what happened. On top of it yep you guessed it I got it!


Today is also a busy day. I have to run about Susie and get what has to be done before the others get home. and when nap comes I have to mop floors. 


I swear I am fed up with dogs escaping and running off. This is the decision, since 2 of them got out and was gone for over 3 hours they brought themselves home. So no more panicking about it. I will not search for them again. The only one I will worry about is Goliath. Because he usually will not come home.  Him I will chase down....


Have I mentioned I hate laundry behind 5 kids. Stan and I have the least amount of clothes of the bunch. It is all I can do to keep up with housework behind 5 kids and everything to do with the upkeep of the house and them.    


I have to laugh last nite Lorelei had some peanut butter cookies and sacha got down off the cage and ran to her to get one of them and then made a beeline back to his cage. lol so cute it was. 


I am so proud of all the birds, they handle a high busy house with 5 kids and the large dogs really well. my two Birdie and Sacha had never been around either of them. They have adjusted really well and they both love the kids. Birdie has finally stopped chasing them and will go over and sit on them when they are on the floor and they will step up and interact with all of them. Sacha is a bit more selective who he interacts with. But if it involves food, he don't care who he begs it from. lol.....does not matter if it is Stan or the kids. And Birdie who hates men, he loves to interact with Stan. And Sacha who attacked Donny every chance he got, well he will step up and interact with Stan also. It is so amazing to see the change in both of them. They will get down and explore the house. I have found Sacha all the way down the hall into the master bedroom. or over by the garage door in the kitchen. if I have laundry baskets he will climb up in them. Meekit loves the baskets as well. And my little guy who never said anything but peek a boo, is an accomplished talker. Now remember he is 8 yrs old. it is amazing the way my 2 have turned around. Sacha is even growing feathers back slowly but he is. so proud of him. 


now all I have to do is turn Alf around. It was my daughter's goffin cockatoo. He would not let anyone handle him, even her rarely. As long as he is on his cage he is aggressive, and recently floor aggressive. When off the cage he will interact with me as long as I sit in the recliner between the 2 cages. Alf will come down and join me with Birdie and Sacha. Birdie will interact with Alf in that setting, and Sacha not at all. When Alf gets on their cage they put him/her off the cage as it is their cage. 


I got to run laters

Photos

 This Lorelei Renee, She is 3 yrs old and I call her my wild child because of her hair.

 Stan with his twin Steven and Susannah

 Lissa and I with the 3 older kids at easter 2007

 Stan and Lissa with the 3 oldest kids at easter 2007

This is from left to right, Alexander Ray 5yrs old, Lorelei Renee 3 yrs old, Stanley Ray 34 yrs old, Susannah Faith 19 months old, Caelyn Elise 9 yrs old, Gabriel Patrick, 7 yrs old.

 Alex in front yard

 Caelyn in front yard

The three girls by age. Caelyn, Lorelei, Susannah

This  is the photo memory that was used at the memorial service. This is my beautiful daughter at different times through the life of the kids and the one on her wedding day. 

 Caelyn playing her violin for us.

Caelyn practice singing Amazing Grace that she sang at the memorial service for her mother.

What a flipping morning

This started last night with him screaming at me over a netflix envelope that was suppose to be on the dresser by the tv and it was not there. Of course it was not there while cleaning his room (which by the way was trashed and took me almost 3 hours to clean it) one of the kids had knocked  the stack of papers on the floor so any papers that was anything and not trash papers like flyers and such and broken cds and dvds on the floor, under his bed and under the crib and dropping the crib down which I had asked several times for him to do it and Lissa had asked several times for him to do it also.  I  had put them in the box by the tv. and in his fit he just dumped the box on the bed. Which I told him and that was where it was. He does not ever say sorry. You can be sure I will not yelled at and he will be broke of it. 

This morning did not start off that flipping great. I had a son in law screaming at me over his damn socks that he swore he washed and I found 3 of them out there and if that was not enough he went ballistic with me because the clothes that was hers that was in the laundry I put in a bag in the closet and moved her clothes that was hanging so that I could hang all the stuff that has to be hung in there. omg you would have thought I committed a sin.

Anyway he was told he would not scream and yell at me that way. I will not deal with it on top of keeping the house clean and everything done and taking care of 5 kids which 3 are special needs on a daily basis. I am with these children all day and most the nights as he works double shifts to make his hours so that we have mondays and thursdays for doctor appts and such. I do not get time away from them very much so I treasure my quite times in the afternoons.   I know he is stressed but my god so am I. I get a few hours away when I go to the drs as none of them get in a hurry and I am there for good bit. 

The one thing I have taken on me is that I have started to have my nails done again after a long time of not having them. I have worn them since 1992. It is something that makes me feel good and I need that. I take Caelyn with me and we make it a girly time as she is such a big help with everything I try to lighten the stuff she does because before I moved in she was the one taking care of the little ones and dealing with the fighting and seeing to mommy. I want her to be able to still be a girl and not have to have that responsibility on her. 

Today is laundry day here. Everyone but Susie is hanging clothes that have to hung and to there rooms. I am tired of it piling up as to this point it was all up to me to do. and by god they are going to learn to do there own laundry after it is washed. That is part of their responsibility along with keeping there rooms clean. 

Every afternoon I enforce a quiet time for 2 hours a day for me to recharge me as it is very difficult if I do not have that break. I work on handwork and listen to tv while doing it. The boys protest it quite strongly. I am trying to break them from running in every few minutes to see if it is over with yet. drives me crazy! So I am giving them a clock and setting a alarm that at that point they are allowed out of their room. The girls go to their room also. They are free to play, read or whatever but if they drag toys out they have to be put up before leaving the room. And my granddaughter is very good at hiding dirty clothes in her room so once week I have to go in there and pull them out and I give her a good scolding and since that is not working then she is going to be losing a privilege that she likes to do. i usually do not have trouble from her but the clothes issue is a major one here as with school starting they have been told their is going to be spotless by sunday nite because I was not going to kill myself with constantly  cleaning behind them. lets get real here never in my wildest imagination did I ever expect to be raising my 5 grandchildren. Let me tell you I walked in on kids with no rules and would not listen to anyone. within a week that got started on a change and it will stand. they have 2 pages of house rules on the wall and we go over them every week. we have a chore list of what has to be done every day for all of us, not assigned ones they know that if I tell them to do it they had better get busy and do it. As I sit here typing this I have La La snugled up with me. Most likely she will be taking an early nap. She got in trouble and some days she just does deal well with it. and her day started of on the wrong foot as Alex bit her on the arm. her day and mine are in the bucket.

I got to go, I have 2 fighting and it is going on lunch time here now so feeding the wild kids is a chore with some of them. 

See you on the flip side.

  

Been awhile

 Been several months since writing on here. Just has been so hectic here. When I moved in with my daughter in March. I came straight here from jail. She was having serious health issues. At that time she handed over the running of the household and kids and all of it to me to take care of. I did and am still doing it.  And the doctors were not moving fast enough to get her in surgery as it was canceled twice because of thyroid being hyperthyroidism and not stable enough yet to do the surgery. So as each day and week and month passed I saw her health get worse and worse. and in May she was put on a walker as she could barely hold herself up to walk without falling. she was going to physical therapy twice a week. I was praying they would get her taken care of in time. 

In July her birthday was the 3rd. She was really bad off. On the morning of the 16th I had finished a quilt that I was handquilting for her to use for a lovie as to her that is what the quilts I made she knew and felt the love I had for her because it was quilted with love.  I told her she needed to go to the emergency room. I went back into the front of the house to feed the kids breakfast and feed and water the parrots and was gone maybe 25 minutes. and I went back in to see if she was getting ready. She was not in the bed and Stan was dosing. As he did not sleep much the nite before this. I had come by the bathroom and looked in the bathroom as I came by and did not see her as she was not on the toilet. He said she was in the bathroom and omg I backed up and looked she was in the floor. We had to force the door open to get to her. He did cpr as I called 911. I knew and so did he when we looked at her she was blue. I put all the kids to their rooms as I did not want them to see their mother that way. It has been a nightmare for us and we are still devastated by her loss. we are dealing with it the best we can. I have advised to go to grief counselling as I am having a really really hard time with her loss. Today is one month she has been gone and the pain of her loss is still there stronger than ever and I know it will be a long time coming before I can get through it. I held it together more when my mom passed away. The pain there has lessened but I still feel it there especially at her birthday and mothers day. 

The older kids know and understand what happened. The 5 yr old is just now starting to have issues with the loss as is the 3 yr old the only one really not affected as bad is the baby. 

They do have issues when I leave the house and am gone for a while. They are afraid that I will not come home also. and it takes a good bit for me to calm them down. and that is all 5 of them that feel that way.

Stan is having a harder time of losing her because he loved her with all his heart and soul. And he loves the children the same way. I will be staying with them and taking care of them and the household. He just has to pay the bills and work. I take care of the rest here. I love him like a son, considering the fact that my own two sons have no use for me in there lives. my oldest has told me how much he hates me and all with his sister has passed away. so no son there and the youngest had told me years ago he did not need me in his life as a mother or otherwise. I have had to deal with the pain of the loss of him as I never in my wildest thoughts that he would do that at all. but I misjudged him and I not only blame him but his father as well for what happened. Talk about feeling like a failure at life with 4 bad marriages behind me and the boys telling me that. Lissa was my baby in all the that mattered to me, and I treasure the relationship I had with Lissa that much more because I turned the love I had for my children all to her and the grand babies and stan. That has not changed. I treasure them more beyond belief as that is all I have of her and I see her in each and everyone of them. Susannah is the exact imagine of her mother. The others some do favor her. Caelyn looks like both them and the boys more like him and the 2 youngest favor their mommy. 

I have to close this out I have been up since 6:30 am the dogs got me up they had to go out. 

Just thoughts

The month of April is on its way to being over with. And I sit here and wonder what the new month will bring with it. 

You know you make changes and you expect it to be easier but when you are still dealing with the stress of being harassed through facebook and email by the person you left it sucks. You have not had a chance to get through all the bullsh*t of dealing with said person. 

Or dealing with his lies and trying to pressure you into returning to him because he oh so cares and can not cope without me there to hold his hand. and he is grasping at straws, with I am going to kill myself and me going whatever and hanging up on him. Because frankly right now and all I would rather be a widow than divorced again. But that is my opinion only. 

On a different note. I am adjusting to the mad house of 5 kids, 3 huge dogs, 1 so not big puppy, 5 parrots, 2 parakeets, chinchila, and gerbil. It is a multi pet family. lol never a dull moment to be had and lol the under the board for time out is a hoot. as long as you can see them it works. but if you are not diligent in watching them they sneak down the hall or quietly appear with the others in the floor watching kid shows on tv. lol so you have to keep up with them alot. 4 out of 5 are special needs. So it means closer watching than usual. You get the hang of it after awhile. and the parrots love all the going on and interaction. course now I have a couple that have learned to whine their words but got to admit it is funny. Stan my son in law sometimes gets frazzled in the morning rush to get 4 kids ready for school. Not so many days ago he was so frazzled he kept repeating get dressed, get dressed, get dressed. Lol my Birdie he picked it up and now in the mornings he is telling the kids to get dressed, get dressed, get dressed. You have to laugh it is so cute. And it is just little stuff. Dudley and Monkey that were given to me are growing in their feathers that had been picked at. Meekit aka dudley, is a girl rather than a boy, had a bare chest area and up under the wings. I am so proud of her. she has most the feathers back in on her chest area and not picking either. Monkey on the other hand is a riot. If you take the time to listen to him, you would laugh yourself silly. If he does not get out when he thinks he should he quilt trips you with saying he has been locked up for eternity....he laughs like a monkey and hangs from the top of his cage like a monkey. they have brought a lot of laughter and happiness into the home. The grandkids have learned that they need to steer clear of cages. and not to put fingers in them. well that is unless you are LaLa or Susie. They love Sacha, and they are constantly feeding him snacks and he is taking it from them and he lets them all the way up and lets them put hands in the cage with him. with out biting them. I think not in the to distant future that he will step up for lala. which she is so in awe of him. out of all of them he is her pick. 

lol got to go morning is not to far off and then it is no sleep at all. no sleeping in late except on the days that stan has off. and those are treasured like gold days for us.