Been awhile

 Been several months since writing on here. Just has been so hectic here. When I moved in with my daughter in March. I came straight here from jail. She was having serious health issues. At that time she handed over the running of the household and kids and all of it to me to take care of. I did and am still doing it.  And the doctors were not moving fast enough to get her in surgery as it was canceled twice because of thyroid being hyperthyroidism and not stable enough yet to do the surgery. So as each day and week and month passed I saw her health get worse and worse. and in May she was put on a walker as she could barely hold herself up to walk without falling. she was going to physical therapy twice a week. I was praying they would get her taken care of in time. 

In July her birthday was the 3rd. She was really bad off. On the morning of the 16th I had finished a quilt that I was handquilting for her to use for a lovie as to her that is what the quilts I made she knew and felt the love I had for her because it was quilted with love.  I told her she needed to go to the emergency room. I went back into the front of the house to feed the kids breakfast and feed and water the parrots and was gone maybe 25 minutes. and I went back in to see if she was getting ready. She was not in the bed and Stan was dosing. As he did not sleep much the nite before this. I had come by the bathroom and looked in the bathroom as I came by and did not see her as she was not on the toilet. He said she was in the bathroom and omg I backed up and looked she was in the floor. We had to force the door open to get to her. He did cpr as I called 911. I knew and so did he when we looked at her she was blue. I put all the kids to their rooms as I did not want them to see their mother that way. It has been a nightmare for us and we are still devastated by her loss. we are dealing with it the best we can. I have advised to go to grief counselling as I am having a really really hard time with her loss. Today is one month she has been gone and the pain of her loss is still there stronger than ever and I know it will be a long time coming before I can get through it. I held it together more when my mom passed away. The pain there has lessened but I still feel it there especially at her birthday and mothers day. 

The older kids know and understand what happened. The 5 yr old is just now starting to have issues with the loss as is the 3 yr old the only one really not affected as bad is the baby. 

They do have issues when I leave the house and am gone for a while. They are afraid that I will not come home also. and it takes a good bit for me to calm them down. and that is all 5 of them that feel that way.

Stan is having a harder time of losing her because he loved her with all his heart and soul. And he loves the children the same way. I will be staying with them and taking care of them and the household. He just has to pay the bills and work. I take care of the rest here. I love him like a son, considering the fact that my own two sons have no use for me in there lives. my oldest has told me how much he hates me and all with his sister has passed away. so no son there and the youngest had told me years ago he did not need me in his life as a mother or otherwise. I have had to deal with the pain of the loss of him as I never in my wildest thoughts that he would do that at all. but I misjudged him and I not only blame him but his father as well for what happened. Talk about feeling like a failure at life with 4 bad marriages behind me and the boys telling me that. Lissa was my baby in all the that mattered to me, and I treasure the relationship I had with Lissa that much more because I turned the love I had for my children all to her and the grand babies and stan. That has not changed. I treasure them more beyond belief as that is all I have of her and I see her in each and everyone of them. Susannah is the exact imagine of her mother. The others some do favor her. Caelyn looks like both them and the boys more like him and the 2 youngest favor their mommy. 

I have to close this out I have been up since 6:30 am the dogs got me up they had to go out. 

Just musing

this week has been a busy week with tests and dr appts. I was so hoping to lose all the additional things that came home with me from the hospital but I have to go for more tests to see if it can be done safely or not. Next week is another repeat of this week. after I go for these by the time I get home I have to lay down and I am out for hours. which is a pain. when you see someone sleeping you would think that the person would leave you alone. but not my hubby he wakes me up several times. for bullshit stuff. he is carrying his mr helplessness a bit to far and I jumped him for it today. had all I could take of it. Lets face it he is 53 and past time to have grown up. or at least you would think so.

I am so tired of being sick and nonfunctioning for lack of better word as I am very limited on what I am suppose to be doing. (but having to do stuff anyway or it would not be done) but if you have a husband that even though he knows how serious this has been that acts like a child and throws tantrums because he is still having to do stuff instead of his normal routine. which is come home drink beer take a shower take his dinner to his room and watch tv and sleep and then will throw another tantrum when I tell him the parrots are going to bed. to him that is all he should be required to do. I am doing the cooking and should not be because of the location of the drainage tubes. but does he get this fact hell no he don't. would be one thing if I really wanted to eat which my appetite is minimal right now hence the gatorade the v8 and the ensure and broth that I am doing because of it. like yesterday all I ate was a grilled cheese and had to choke that down even though I did not want it. today it was turkey salad. ate part of it the other went in the trash. since this surgery and because of the severity of it my stomache was involved with the gangrene and if I put to much in it I start throwing up. and my newest best friend is maalox advanced cherry flavor. I am allowed no pain meds not even very much tyneol because of the issue of the liver trying to shut down.


the first week in the hospital I was so out of it as they had me on morphine every 3 hours then to loratabs and then to nothing the last 4 days I was in there.. all I can say it is a good thing I have high tolerance to pain or I would be up the creek without a paddle. but then again that was what created the issue that I did not know I was that seriously ill. I thought I just had a really bad virus. now picture this. 2 days before christmas eve day I had started the throwing up and not being able to hold much of anything besides water down, and it was like that until that sunday after christmas. I had a great surgeon he actually saved my life. If I had waited 2 more days would have been no point in going to the ER as I would have been dead it was that serious. He told me yesterday in his 30 yrs of practice he has never had a case as bad and as life threatening as mine. he said he never remembers patients but he would remember me and mine. He worked hard to save me and I am very appreciative of having him for my doctor. He told me I would owe him a bottle of Vodka for saving me. to me he is worth that and so much more.

which I had a really bad holiday and start to the new year and spent my BIRTHDAY in the hospital! of all places. so yea I will remember the end of 2009 and the start of 2010. wooo hooo go me. just like something I would do.

I am looking forward to a real honest to god shower and hair washing. you do not know how much you miss something so simple as that until you can not do so. sponge baths are not all that great. which i could shave my legs - can't bend over to do it- washing my hair in the sink in the bathroom with the help of a glass and that is lots of fun as it is past my waist now. it is all the little things you do daily without even thinking about them that you really get slapped in the face when you are not allowed to do it.

I think not only is this being hard on me but also on my larger parrots that are use to lap cuddles as right now they can not be on me with all the tubes. they love to mouth my clothes. lets be honest I have clothes that are parrot friendly not by choice but because they have made them that way. these are just house clothes not something I go off in. so they do this and I know that so I know I can not hold them. they are out on their cages and on the tree stand but they are not happy with it. my macaw sydney keeps lifting her foot begging to get in my lap. I talk to her and explain to her every time she does it why she can not and I show her why. I tell the big cockatoos the same thing and show to them. people think I am crazy as I talk to them and let them know what is going on. Like when I have to go to the doctor I tell them I will be back soon I have a doctor appt. they understand more than you think they do.

I even do that with dogs also. speaking of which we have or I should say he has a chocolate lab that is 3 now. we have had her a year. he left a cinder block out by the above ground koi pond and he went out there the other day and caught her standing on the block on her hind feet with her paws and head hung over the side watching the koi swim around. kodak moment and no camera in hand. always happens that way you know.

Just a note

This is my little place to talk about life with our parrots, my quilting and life in general.

So if you do not want to follow on my meandering around on different topics then this is not a blog you would be happy following .

This is mostly for me to write about things that I face every day. Especially important for me as I live with Bipolar Disorder and sometimes I need to write about what is going on to keep my sanity.

So happy reading