Been awhile

 Been several months since writing on here. Just has been so hectic here. When I moved in with my daughter in March. I came straight here from jail. She was having serious health issues. At that time she handed over the running of the household and kids and all of it to me to take care of. I did and am still doing it.  And the doctors were not moving fast enough to get her in surgery as it was canceled twice because of thyroid being hyperthyroidism and not stable enough yet to do the surgery. So as each day and week and month passed I saw her health get worse and worse. and in May she was put on a walker as she could barely hold herself up to walk without falling. she was going to physical therapy twice a week. I was praying they would get her taken care of in time. 

In July her birthday was the 3rd. She was really bad off. On the morning of the 16th I had finished a quilt that I was handquilting for her to use for a lovie as to her that is what the quilts I made she knew and felt the love I had for her because it was quilted with love.  I told her she needed to go to the emergency room. I went back into the front of the house to feed the kids breakfast and feed and water the parrots and was gone maybe 25 minutes. and I went back in to see if she was getting ready. She was not in the bed and Stan was dosing. As he did not sleep much the nite before this. I had come by the bathroom and looked in the bathroom as I came by and did not see her as she was not on the toilet. He said she was in the bathroom and omg I backed up and looked she was in the floor. We had to force the door open to get to her. He did cpr as I called 911. I knew and so did he when we looked at her she was blue. I put all the kids to their rooms as I did not want them to see their mother that way. It has been a nightmare for us and we are still devastated by her loss. we are dealing with it the best we can. I have advised to go to grief counselling as I am having a really really hard time with her loss. Today is one month she has been gone and the pain of her loss is still there stronger than ever and I know it will be a long time coming before I can get through it. I held it together more when my mom passed away. The pain there has lessened but I still feel it there especially at her birthday and mothers day. 

The older kids know and understand what happened. The 5 yr old is just now starting to have issues with the loss as is the 3 yr old the only one really not affected as bad is the baby. 

They do have issues when I leave the house and am gone for a while. They are afraid that I will not come home also. and it takes a good bit for me to calm them down. and that is all 5 of them that feel that way.

Stan is having a harder time of losing her because he loved her with all his heart and soul. And he loves the children the same way. I will be staying with them and taking care of them and the household. He just has to pay the bills and work. I take care of the rest here. I love him like a son, considering the fact that my own two sons have no use for me in there lives. my oldest has told me how much he hates me and all with his sister has passed away. so no son there and the youngest had told me years ago he did not need me in his life as a mother or otherwise. I have had to deal with the pain of the loss of him as I never in my wildest thoughts that he would do that at all. but I misjudged him and I not only blame him but his father as well for what happened. Talk about feeling like a failure at life with 4 bad marriages behind me and the boys telling me that. Lissa was my baby in all the that mattered to me, and I treasure the relationship I had with Lissa that much more because I turned the love I had for my children all to her and the grand babies and stan. That has not changed. I treasure them more beyond belief as that is all I have of her and I see her in each and everyone of them. Susannah is the exact imagine of her mother. The others some do favor her. Caelyn looks like both them and the boys more like him and the 2 youngest favor their mommy. 

I have to close this out I have been up since 6:30 am the dogs got me up they had to go out. 

Just thoughts

The month of April is on its way to being over with. And I sit here and wonder what the new month will bring with it. 

You know you make changes and you expect it to be easier but when you are still dealing with the stress of being harassed through facebook and email by the person you left it sucks. You have not had a chance to get through all the bullsh*t of dealing with said person. 

Or dealing with his lies and trying to pressure you into returning to him because he oh so cares and can not cope without me there to hold his hand. and he is grasping at straws, with I am going to kill myself and me going whatever and hanging up on him. Because frankly right now and all I would rather be a widow than divorced again. But that is my opinion only. 

On a different note. I am adjusting to the mad house of 5 kids, 3 huge dogs, 1 so not big puppy, 5 parrots, 2 parakeets, chinchila, and gerbil. It is a multi pet family. lol never a dull moment to be had and lol the under the board for time out is a hoot. as long as you can see them it works. but if you are not diligent in watching them they sneak down the hall or quietly appear with the others in the floor watching kid shows on tv. lol so you have to keep up with them alot. 4 out of 5 are special needs. So it means closer watching than usual. You get the hang of it after awhile. and the parrots love all the going on and interaction. course now I have a couple that have learned to whine their words but got to admit it is funny. Stan my son in law sometimes gets frazzled in the morning rush to get 4 kids ready for school. Not so many days ago he was so frazzled he kept repeating get dressed, get dressed, get dressed. Lol my Birdie he picked it up and now in the mornings he is telling the kids to get dressed, get dressed, get dressed. You have to laugh it is so cute. And it is just little stuff. Dudley and Monkey that were given to me are growing in their feathers that had been picked at. Meekit aka dudley, is a girl rather than a boy, had a bare chest area and up under the wings. I am so proud of her. she has most the feathers back in on her chest area and not picking either. Monkey on the other hand is a riot. If you take the time to listen to him, you would laugh yourself silly. If he does not get out when he thinks he should he quilt trips you with saying he has been locked up for eternity....he laughs like a monkey and hangs from the top of his cage like a monkey. they have brought a lot of laughter and happiness into the home. The grandkids have learned that they need to steer clear of cages. and not to put fingers in them. well that is unless you are LaLa or Susie. They love Sacha, and they are constantly feeding him snacks and he is taking it from them and he lets them all the way up and lets them put hands in the cage with him. with out biting them. I think not in the to distant future that he will step up for lala. which she is so in awe of him. out of all of them he is her pick. 

lol got to go morning is not to far off and then it is no sleep at all. no sleeping in late except on the days that stan has off. and those are treasured like gold days for us. 

Here it is the end of March!!!

Where has the month of March went to? The last day of it and I am not sure where it was or gone to. Sounds so me. I lose days and get mixed up so easy that it is not funny at all. 


Here I sit with Birdie, my late nite owl goffin, he has to be first one up and last one to bed. But if he hears me up then he will not go to bed but will scream at me. so am cleaning the kitchen up and trying to unwind as today was another one for the record. rain and 5 kids or I should say 4 kids trapped in a house inside it, equals mayhem and destruction to the inside of it. And me trying to keep things in control. Daughter is so sick and is on couch/bed rest until surgery which was to be tomorrow but got cancelled because of another issue they found and that one has to be dealt with first for them to be able to do the surgery. so here is hoping that next week will be good news. 

Ramblings and thoughts

Starting to settle into the new life. It is much different to live in a home with 5 kids, it is like having a house full of parrots the only difference is I can cage the parrots can't the kids!

I was able to ransom another one of my parrots, my goffin cockatoo, Birdie. When I went to pick him up, it just broke my heart, and I do mean break my heart, it felt like it was ripped from me. I saw the condition this person had my parrots or should I say ex parrots in. Conditions they have never been in, they were in this little shed out back with no a/c no tv, no radio even. He had some on the front porch that was not screened in, he had one and only one in the house. Have I mentioned how much I hate Donny? I hate him truly hate him. I hate him for what he has put me through all 13 yrs of our marriage and for my stupidity of letting it happen and keep happening. I hate him for getting rid of the one thing that meant something to me and that I loved truly loved with all my heart. This person offered to let me come see them any time I wanted to. How can you do that if it does this to you every time you see them? I just can not do it. I know I will never be able to get any more of them back and it would be so bad on me and on them to keep seeing them knowing that it was this way. Even if I could rescue some back it would only be 4 of them and it would be a hard choice to make. 

Then he has the audacity to even think I would return to him. He is under the impression that if he gets a home set up for me, and gets my parrots back that I will return to him.................NOT.... he is not even on the same page here. He is delusional and living in a world of his own. Why would I return to him? for the same type life and worrying for meeting the bills. Bills that I found out he was telling me he was paying and he was not paying them at all. Major bills the ones that make sure you have a place to live and electricity to help run it. I am so pissed, hurt and just can not describe the feeling that I am going through at the moment. 


I am thankful that I have a friend that has parrots also. She has given me 2 parrots to help me mend the rift of my heart. 2 beautiful parrots that are sweet. One is a severe macaw and the other is a amazon. They are both amazing parrots. And it has helped some. 


It never ceases to amaze me what people do even people you think you know like forever, or been married to. Like for example someone you are married to, or a best friend.

Changes are afoot.

Well changes were made and for good or bad they are done. I feel relieved that it is done or mostly done I should say. 


This decision has cost me all of my parrots with the exception of one of them. My congo grey, sacha. I knew when I made it that I would have a heart of pain because of it. I was just not prepared for it. 


For the ones reading this that really know me. They know that I spent 30 days in jail. For whatever the reason I will never do so again! No man is worth it to ever go to jail. just my opinion on this. 


Let's say I have a healthy respect for my daughter and son in law. How they do it with 5 kids and some are special needs.  I have no clue how they do it on a good day . I would have lost my mind by now. I am living with them as that is where I am at. I enjoy being with my daughter and the grand kids. They look at life so differently from one to another of them. so it is a wide variety with them. 


Now I just have to learn that I do not have to ask permission to go somewhere which I have had to do for the last 13 years of my life. So strange to do so. So now I have to break this habit as I am only responsible for myself. 


And idiot child had the audacity to ask me if I PLANNED ON COMING BACK TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Told him he was a damn fool and I was filing for a divorce.   wooooo go me. 

WHEN? WHERE? WHO? YOU SURE?

 Where to start? How about the new pretty blog design? I loved it! Just so beautiful and elegant and just what I was looking for too.
 I think I will be doing more blogging in the coming year. I miss it as I was on yahoo 360 and not really have done much blogging since then. So I will be trying to get back in the swing of it.
This blog will mostly be my ramblings and such as I sometimes need to talk through things that I can't or won't talk about with a warm body in front of me. (well with the exception of my best friend.)


It has been our winter here and dreary as it is. Thankfully we do not get snow. But we do get considerably colder weather in the winter. 


Lets see~ ~ ~ ~ since last blogged. Just tried to get my life back together this past year. It was the year for the pj's and I do not want another year like it.  It was a long recovery for me and not something that I would recommend doing unless you had to do it not fun at all. 


It has been a year of awakening personally for me in so many areas of my life. Some not so good as others. One of the good things is that my daughter and grandchildren are here now. Which they were not before. So that is a blessing for me. A good look at my marriage and just not seeing what I need to be seeing in it. Some decisions that I have to make and stand behind, some life changing ones that is not always easy to make. You look at your life and you wonder "where the hell are you" " is this what you expected to be at". When you look at it you just don't see what you want to. I guess the issues that have become more apparent to me this last year is things that have been going on through out the marriage that I was just trying to ignore and now can not be ignored any longer they have to be addressed. This past year I have found out that I am married to a man who hates the fact that I have mental issues, I have children and grandchildren and that I am a real human being with feelings and emotions. I have issues being told that I can or can not do something especially if it is connected to or anything to do with my kids or grandkids. I am married to a man who has control issues and I am tired of being a possession. I am tired of being talked demeaning to. Or being told I am stupid. Or let drive anywhere that he does not take me because otherwise he can not control anything. I get almost nothing out of the marriage. He spends no time actually with me to be just with me. He sits on the porch when he comes home smoking, maybe some beer. Will sit out there for hours and then come in and take a shower and get out and yell I am out. This is so that I can hand deliver his dinner to him as he has went to bed. You heard me, to bed! He does not share time with me in the living room and has not in years. He does not like the fact that I have a friend, a best friend that he can not run off, as he does not want me to have interaction with someone that he can not control what we talk about. I feel trapped in this situation because of circumstances. Well some things are changing and if he don't stop or ease up then it will be the end. The very end. I can not continue to live my life this way, I just can't as I am getting to old to do it. I do not ever want to be in a relationship or even get married again. (I think that anyone could say I have bad luck with it. Hell I have done this 4 times now and can not get it right! some track record woooo go me!) I think I need time to be just me and no one else. I have been married since I was 19 yrs old with the exception of 3 yrs. That is a total of 31 yrs of married life. You know when you are young and one of the realist ideas that you have is that when you fall in love that it lasts a lifetime. For some people it does and for others it does not. I can honestly say that after all these years. The love of my life was my first husband. But I would never be with him and I made that choice when I was 23 yrs old. He taught me that there is another side of life that most people do not want to ever see. I was raised with parents that stayed together and married for 40 yrs when my mother passed away. It was not perfect and all but they stayed together no matter the issues that they had. So I did not come from a broken home, or an abused childhood. I never really ever thought that marriage could be something other than what my parents had. I had never had any contact with or knowledge of what spousal abuse was or did or any of it. I had an abusive marriage. When I say that people go oh yeah you just say that. But to this day I do not know how I made it out of it. When I was going through it there were no domestic violence laws to protect me. No going to press charges no nothing. He beat me, strangled me, and more that I can not even to this day put into words to even begin to tell someone. To this day I fear for my life. I do not want him within hundreds of miles of me. He tried to kill me and if I had not fought back I would not be here today. I was 18 when we got together, I had not graduated high school, I was working and was going back to school. I had no type of work experience other than working as a waitress and a cook. I got pregnant with my oldest son when I had went back to school and was not able to graduate as I was sick sick with the pregnancy. So I had my baby, and by that time I knew I had to make some sort of life plan because the abuse started right after we were married. I was going to adult high school and had just a few weeks before I graduated. I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. At this point I went into panic mode. I knew I really had to get some sort of training to be able to support me and both kids. So I had the baby and within 3 months I went back to school for some training to be able to make decent money. I got my certificate for data entry and never looked back. Then when my oldest son was 4 yrs old he was diagnosied with cancer, a rare childrens cancer. That threw my world upside down. and the roll a coaster started. During this time the marriage was already falling apart. I not only had 2 children but one seriously sick. (the good news is he is now 33 yrs old) I did what I had to do to survive and take care of them. I have not always made good life choices for myself especially when it comes to men. I attract the wrong type of men. Even my psych dr tells me that. 


I have been stressing really bad over one of my parrots. Jack, my yellow collar macaw. He is a mini macaw and the least noisy one in the house. He is of unknown age as he came to me from being a aviary breeder parrot. He was gotten rid of for whatever reason most likely as he was to old for breeding, that is my guess. His health has not been up to what it should be because of this. We have appointment on Tuesday to see the avian vet. At that point she will advise me what should be done. At which point I will have to make the hardest decision but it will be the best decision for him. This is a really big issue for me as of yet I have not had to make it before. I will be praying for the strength to do what is right and to stay strong. And I could be stressing for nothing also. 


This is all for now

Why do I ?

Why do I? 
Put up with bullshit, lies, being yelled at, cussed at. I must have something stamped on my forehead, I know I must. 

Why do I not leave you ask? 
very simple, where would I go with 15 parrots and 2 dogs, on a fixed income that I could afford on my own? that is the question to do or not to do. and since I can't afford to do it then I am stuck right where I am. I can not hold a job due to the fact that I do not function well in and under stress it keeps my bipolar so far out there that I have real issues just trying to cope, the stress causes me to clamp my jaws and that flares up the tmj, and if that is not enough then the trigeminal neuralgia get in on the action. then I am in so much pain that it is not controllable. now mind you I have a very high tolerance to pain, hell that high tolerance almost killed me. I could not feel the pain from it until it was kicking my ass not holding food down, and literally doubling over in pain. so bad I could not stand. and this man I am married to, could do nothing but get ugly with me because I needed to go to the emergency room. cussing the whole way there. I of course was admitted, tests ran, put in a room on morphine till I could not tell you my name. He has the nerve to call up there in the afternoon and cuss me out on the phone because, get this, I had not cleaned out the fridge. I had surgery the next morning and even the surgeon did not expect me to live I was that bad. did he ever apologize for the way he treated me and all the time I was in the hospital? no, and I did ask him should I have died would he remember the last thing he said to me. he could not answer as he did not know what he had done and when I told him, his excuse was he was stressed! Not a good answer there bud. 

You know I have been married almost all my life, since I was 19. I really like the state of being married, and right now just not the person I am married to. I know I am awful stating that. but in the present state of things I would rather not be married. Hell I am sure I would have been better off. what do I have to show for 13 yrs of marriage. Other than my parrots and few things here or there I have nothing. No respect for him that is for sure.