Here it is the end of March!!!

Where has the month of March went to? The last day of it and I am not sure where it was or gone to. Sounds so me. I lose days and get mixed up so easy that it is not funny at all. 


Here I sit with Birdie, my late nite owl goffin, he has to be first one up and last one to bed. But if he hears me up then he will not go to bed but will scream at me. so am cleaning the kitchen up and trying to unwind as today was another one for the record. rain and 5 kids or I should say 4 kids trapped in a house inside it, equals mayhem and destruction to the inside of it. And me trying to keep things in control. Daughter is so sick and is on couch/bed rest until surgery which was to be tomorrow but got cancelled because of another issue they found and that one has to be dealt with first for them to be able to do the surgery. so here is hoping that next week will be good news. 

Ramblings and thoughts

Starting to settle into the new life. It is much different to live in a home with 5 kids, it is like having a house full of parrots the only difference is I can cage the parrots can't the kids!

I was able to ransom another one of my parrots, my goffin cockatoo, Birdie. When I went to pick him up, it just broke my heart, and I do mean break my heart, it felt like it was ripped from me. I saw the condition this person had my parrots or should I say ex parrots in. Conditions they have never been in, they were in this little shed out back with no a/c no tv, no radio even. He had some on the front porch that was not screened in, he had one and only one in the house. Have I mentioned how much I hate Donny? I hate him truly hate him. I hate him for what he has put me through all 13 yrs of our marriage and for my stupidity of letting it happen and keep happening. I hate him for getting rid of the one thing that meant something to me and that I loved truly loved with all my heart. This person offered to let me come see them any time I wanted to. How can you do that if it does this to you every time you see them? I just can not do it. I know I will never be able to get any more of them back and it would be so bad on me and on them to keep seeing them knowing that it was this way. Even if I could rescue some back it would only be 4 of them and it would be a hard choice to make. 

Then he has the audacity to even think I would return to him. He is under the impression that if he gets a home set up for me, and gets my parrots back that I will return to him.................NOT.... he is not even on the same page here. He is delusional and living in a world of his own. Why would I return to him? for the same type life and worrying for meeting the bills. Bills that I found out he was telling me he was paying and he was not paying them at all. Major bills the ones that make sure you have a place to live and electricity to help run it. I am so pissed, hurt and just can not describe the feeling that I am going through at the moment. 


I am thankful that I have a friend that has parrots also. She has given me 2 parrots to help me mend the rift of my heart. 2 beautiful parrots that are sweet. One is a severe macaw and the other is a amazon. They are both amazing parrots. And it has helped some. 


It never ceases to amaze me what people do even people you think you know like forever, or been married to. Like for example someone you are married to, or a best friend.

Changes are afoot.

Well changes were made and for good or bad they are done. I feel relieved that it is done or mostly done I should say. 


This decision has cost me all of my parrots with the exception of one of them. My congo grey, sacha. I knew when I made it that I would have a heart of pain because of it. I was just not prepared for it. 


For the ones reading this that really know me. They know that I spent 30 days in jail. For whatever the reason I will never do so again! No man is worth it to ever go to jail. just my opinion on this. 


Let's say I have a healthy respect for my daughter and son in law. How they do it with 5 kids and some are special needs.  I have no clue how they do it on a good day . I would have lost my mind by now. I am living with them as that is where I am at. I enjoy being with my daughter and the grand kids. They look at life so differently from one to another of them. so it is a wide variety with them. 


Now I just have to learn that I do not have to ask permission to go somewhere which I have had to do for the last 13 years of my life. So strange to do so. So now I have to break this habit as I am only responsible for myself. 


And idiot child had the audacity to ask me if I PLANNED ON COMING BACK TO HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Told him he was a damn fool and I was filing for a divorce.   wooooo go me. 

WHEN? WHERE? WHO? YOU SURE?

 Where to start? How about the new pretty blog design? I loved it! Just so beautiful and elegant and just what I was looking for too.
 I think I will be doing more blogging in the coming year. I miss it as I was on yahoo 360 and not really have done much blogging since then. So I will be trying to get back in the swing of it.
This blog will mostly be my ramblings and such as I sometimes need to talk through things that I can't or won't talk about with a warm body in front of me. (well with the exception of my best friend.)


It has been our winter here and dreary as it is. Thankfully we do not get snow. But we do get considerably colder weather in the winter. 


Lets see~ ~ ~ ~ since last blogged. Just tried to get my life back together this past year. It was the year for the pj's and I do not want another year like it.  It was a long recovery for me and not something that I would recommend doing unless you had to do it not fun at all. 


It has been a year of awakening personally for me in so many areas of my life. Some not so good as others. One of the good things is that my daughter and grandchildren are here now. Which they were not before. So that is a blessing for me. A good look at my marriage and just not seeing what I need to be seeing in it. Some decisions that I have to make and stand behind, some life changing ones that is not always easy to make. You look at your life and you wonder "where the hell are you" " is this what you expected to be at". When you look at it you just don't see what you want to. I guess the issues that have become more apparent to me this last year is things that have been going on through out the marriage that I was just trying to ignore and now can not be ignored any longer they have to be addressed. This past year I have found out that I am married to a man who hates the fact that I have mental issues, I have children and grandchildren and that I am a real human being with feelings and emotions. I have issues being told that I can or can not do something especially if it is connected to or anything to do with my kids or grandkids. I am married to a man who has control issues and I am tired of being a possession. I am tired of being talked demeaning to. Or being told I am stupid. Or let drive anywhere that he does not take me because otherwise he can not control anything. I get almost nothing out of the marriage. He spends no time actually with me to be just with me. He sits on the porch when he comes home smoking, maybe some beer. Will sit out there for hours and then come in and take a shower and get out and yell I am out. This is so that I can hand deliver his dinner to him as he has went to bed. You heard me, to bed! He does not share time with me in the living room and has not in years. He does not like the fact that I have a friend, a best friend that he can not run off, as he does not want me to have interaction with someone that he can not control what we talk about. I feel trapped in this situation because of circumstances. Well some things are changing and if he don't stop or ease up then it will be the end. The very end. I can not continue to live my life this way, I just can't as I am getting to old to do it. I do not ever want to be in a relationship or even get married again. (I think that anyone could say I have bad luck with it. Hell I have done this 4 times now and can not get it right! some track record woooo go me!) I think I need time to be just me and no one else. I have been married since I was 19 yrs old with the exception of 3 yrs. That is a total of 31 yrs of married life. You know when you are young and one of the realist ideas that you have is that when you fall in love that it lasts a lifetime. For some people it does and for others it does not. I can honestly say that after all these years. The love of my life was my first husband. But I would never be with him and I made that choice when I was 23 yrs old. He taught me that there is another side of life that most people do not want to ever see. I was raised with parents that stayed together and married for 40 yrs when my mother passed away. It was not perfect and all but they stayed together no matter the issues that they had. So I did not come from a broken home, or an abused childhood. I never really ever thought that marriage could be something other than what my parents had. I had never had any contact with or knowledge of what spousal abuse was or did or any of it. I had an abusive marriage. When I say that people go oh yeah you just say that. But to this day I do not know how I made it out of it. When I was going through it there were no domestic violence laws to protect me. No going to press charges no nothing. He beat me, strangled me, and more that I can not even to this day put into words to even begin to tell someone. To this day I fear for my life. I do not want him within hundreds of miles of me. He tried to kill me and if I had not fought back I would not be here today. I was 18 when we got together, I had not graduated high school, I was working and was going back to school. I had no type of work experience other than working as a waitress and a cook. I got pregnant with my oldest son when I had went back to school and was not able to graduate as I was sick sick with the pregnancy. So I had my baby, and by that time I knew I had to make some sort of life plan because the abuse started right after we were married. I was going to adult high school and had just a few weeks before I graduated. I found out I was pregnant with baby number 2. At this point I went into panic mode. I knew I really had to get some sort of training to be able to support me and both kids. So I had the baby and within 3 months I went back to school for some training to be able to make decent money. I got my certificate for data entry and never looked back. Then when my oldest son was 4 yrs old he was diagnosied with cancer, a rare childrens cancer. That threw my world upside down. and the roll a coaster started. During this time the marriage was already falling apart. I not only had 2 children but one seriously sick. (the good news is he is now 33 yrs old) I did what I had to do to survive and take care of them. I have not always made good life choices for myself especially when it comes to men. I attract the wrong type of men. Even my psych dr tells me that. 


I have been stressing really bad over one of my parrots. Jack, my yellow collar macaw. He is a mini macaw and the least noisy one in the house. He is of unknown age as he came to me from being a aviary breeder parrot. He was gotten rid of for whatever reason most likely as he was to old for breeding, that is my guess. His health has not been up to what it should be because of this. We have appointment on Tuesday to see the avian vet. At that point she will advise me what should be done. At which point I will have to make the hardest decision but it will be the best decision for him. This is a really big issue for me as of yet I have not had to make it before. I will be praying for the strength to do what is right and to stay strong. And I could be stressing for nothing also. 


This is all for now

Why do I ?

Why do I? 
Put up with bullshit, lies, being yelled at, cussed at. I must have something stamped on my forehead, I know I must. 

Why do I not leave you ask? 
very simple, where would I go with 15 parrots and 2 dogs, on a fixed income that I could afford on my own? that is the question to do or not to do. and since I can't afford to do it then I am stuck right where I am. I can not hold a job due to the fact that I do not function well in and under stress it keeps my bipolar so far out there that I have real issues just trying to cope, the stress causes me to clamp my jaws and that flares up the tmj, and if that is not enough then the trigeminal neuralgia get in on the action. then I am in so much pain that it is not controllable. now mind you I have a very high tolerance to pain, hell that high tolerance almost killed me. I could not feel the pain from it until it was kicking my ass not holding food down, and literally doubling over in pain. so bad I could not stand. and this man I am married to, could do nothing but get ugly with me because I needed to go to the emergency room. cussing the whole way there. I of course was admitted, tests ran, put in a room on morphine till I could not tell you my name. He has the nerve to call up there in the afternoon and cuss me out on the phone because, get this, I had not cleaned out the fridge. I had surgery the next morning and even the surgeon did not expect me to live I was that bad. did he ever apologize for the way he treated me and all the time I was in the hospital? no, and I did ask him should I have died would he remember the last thing he said to me. he could not answer as he did not know what he had done and when I told him, his excuse was he was stressed! Not a good answer there bud. 

You know I have been married almost all my life, since I was 19. I really like the state of being married, and right now just not the person I am married to. I know I am awful stating that. but in the present state of things I would rather not be married. Hell I am sure I would have been better off. what do I have to show for 13 yrs of marriage. Other than my parrots and few things here or there I have nothing. No respect for him that is for sure.

Oh what a week.

What a week.....got my sewing room mostly unpacked..(just quilt books to put on bookcase) waiting for hubby to put them together. while doing that I had boxes in the hall that had been broken down to get rid of them. I was having a bad bad day with being uncoordinated.
So I fell over them and of all things broke my little toe. Now I knew my foot was hurting but I thought it was my ankle which I have been so graceful over the years and have hurt it so many times. that is what I had done again so did not look. took 2 aleve and kept going. So when I took a shower that evening, low and behold I found out what was causing it. my foot was black and blue. and swollen. only me----I just love days like that...not!  

my week has been a series of the same thing. off balance and a bit not with it. this morning I dropped a dish  of parrot food, split 2 cups of coffee on myself. so took myself off to the computer. figured it would be safe enough.  


I hate days like this. I am so not with it. and not being a morning person that makes even harder on me when I have to deal with it. yesterday I got the wipes my daughter sent me to sew up for her. it will go back out in the mail today. hopefully if I catch the mail man. 


off to see what else I can drop or otherwise for the day. just got the call that on Monday I go for the upper GI which I am not looking forward to.

what a day

Been while since updating on the blog. Just have not been up to it really. 
I finally got everything gone and omg!!! I got a real live shower. yep, ran the hot water out. so finally it is over. 

I found out this week that my puppy will be coming home around the first of the month. Going to drive partway to meet daughter and pick her up. will get to see grandkids and daughter so excited about that.  I get to see the newest granddaughter to!  now of course is the dilemma of letting hubby know we are doing it....shush----will break the news closer to time. he is prepared for shiloh coming. but he is in for a surprise...another dog and a parrot will be coming along with them....not telling him that either until on the road to get them. I really do not think it will be a problem. as one will be outside most the time.  I can sneak her in some when he is not home.  shiloh is stictly an inside dog. and he knows that he is concerned with tail wagging and cages....I have been told she is a real wuss on some stuff so hopefully that is one of the things because I have to teach her that the parrots are for her to protect and to keep nose and tail away from the cages...lol I can just see some of the larger parrots who have a habit of sticking their feet out to grab anything that gets close to the cages. 

and speaking about parrots. He is absolutely not QUALIFIED to feed Merlin. I came home this last time from the hospital and my poor baby had baby food stuck to his crest feathers and all over his face. asked him what happened and he said he thought he was going to bite him so he tossed the spoon at him. and he wonders why merlin wants to nail him everytime he goes by the cage...and Sacha is trying and has jumped on him bite him when he passes his cage. and all he can do is scream help come get him. he is such a wuss when it comes to my parrots. and no mistaking they are that with the exception of one of them. 

so much for excitement at my house. it revolves around the parrots. I have finally been able to get into my sewing room and put it in some sort of order....which is a job in itself. he painted rooms when I was in the hospital the first time...he took from those rooms and tossed in the sewing room....clothes that had been missing that I had been looking for.was found. I washed 7 loads of laundry because they were everywhere. don't think I did not mention it to him....I guess I could look at it that he had not boxed everything and put in the storeage shed / room out back with Coco....she periodically goes through the boxes she can reach and seems she is fond of catalogs....which is not a big loss so have not fussed at her about it. she is basically a good girl but she follows him around and then she does everything he does. including trying to help with the compost pile...lol and then he fusses at her. 

I better close for now it is 2:30 am and could not sleep so thought I would get this done.