Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Why do I ?

Why do I? 
Put up with bullshit, lies, being yelled at, cussed at. I must have something stamped on my forehead, I know I must. 

Why do I not leave you ask? 
very simple, where would I go with 15 parrots and 2 dogs, on a fixed income that I could afford on my own? that is the question to do or not to do. and since I can't afford to do it then I am stuck right where I am. I can not hold a job due to the fact that I do not function well in and under stress it keeps my bipolar so far out there that I have real issues just trying to cope, the stress causes me to clamp my jaws and that flares up the tmj, and if that is not enough then the trigeminal neuralgia get in on the action. then I am in so much pain that it is not controllable. now mind you I have a very high tolerance to pain, hell that high tolerance almost killed me. I could not feel the pain from it until it was kicking my ass not holding food down, and literally doubling over in pain. so bad I could not stand. and this man I am married to, could do nothing but get ugly with me because I needed to go to the emergency room. cussing the whole way there. I of course was admitted, tests ran, put in a room on morphine till I could not tell you my name. He has the nerve to call up there in the afternoon and cuss me out on the phone because, get this, I had not cleaned out the fridge. I had surgery the next morning and even the surgeon did not expect me to live I was that bad. did he ever apologize for the way he treated me and all the time I was in the hospital? no, and I did ask him should I have died would he remember the last thing he said to me. he could not answer as he did not know what he had done and when I told him, his excuse was he was stressed! Not a good answer there bud. 

You know I have been married almost all my life, since I was 19. I really like the state of being married, and right now just not the person I am married to. I know I am awful stating that. but in the present state of things I would rather not be married. Hell I am sure I would have been better off. what do I have to show for 13 yrs of marriage. Other than my parrots and few things here or there I have nothing. No respect for him that is for sure.